The first rule of flirt club is: flirt.
The second rule of flirt club is: flirt outrageously!
Last night saw the culmination of season one of geeks talk sexy with the flirting workshop. Geeks talk sexy has been a series of events designed to talk about geeks, sex, sexuality and how they all come together.
The sessions had all been mainly theoretical, that was until now…
I will confess now that I am an incorrigible flirt, in fact at times I can be a downright tart. No, really, ask anyone who’s spent more than five minutes in my company. However, I wanted to attend to see if my technique was any good, and also to see what new tricks and tips I could learn.
My fellow geeks turned out to be a mixed bunch, mostly IT types, mostly male and mostly telling the same story. A desire to be able to comfortably interact with folk, to flirt and be complimentary and to overcome the fear of being rejected or looking foolish; common laments from folk who interact with machines and code and sometimes miss the opportunity to interact face to face. Mind you, we did have two cheeky women whose desire was to learn new tricks!
The evening was to be split into two parts. Part the First was presented by Nicole Mathison who helped create flirtology.co.uk; this was to cover the art of the flirt. Part the Second covered the pickup, a different approach entirely, and one that was counter, in some ways, to the flirt.
Nicole’s session was really very good, and also very common sense based. Flirting to her is not a skill perpetually linked to finding a romantic partner; instead it is a set of skills designed to make you approachable and boost the self esteem of the people you’re dealing with. Flirting can be used with your boss, your bank manager and with anyone with whom you want to have a better interaction. The key is stepping outside your comfort zone and forgetting your ego, focus on other people and take the risk of being rejected. The worst that can happen is…scratch that, that phrase is what got me into trouble last night.
This is why this blog is called the tales of the Gentleman MISadventurer. If everything I did went smoothly and to plan, I’d be an adventurer. I shall draw a veil over the specifics and leave you with these thoughts:
- The Northern Quarter isn’t always as friendly as you think; making eye contact and winking at strangers can yield odd results
- Do not offer to step in and buy wine for the students you’ve just been flirting with
- Do not, I repeat DO NOT mess with the security guard in the Co-op in the Northern Quarter, else Greater Manchester’s finest will get involved
This is what happens when you get 12 people to wander through the Northern Quarter flirting with strangers and wandering around the supermarket to practise their new-found skills.
Post near-encounter with the GMP, we moved on to the second part of the evening: the art of the pickup.
Part two was presented by Simon Lumb and his co-game player and wingman Ian. Simon was a toned, tanned, designer-shirt-wearing guy, as was his co-presenter Ian. Whereas Nicole came across as genuine, working in technology and ever so slightly geeky, Simon and Ian came across as suave polished self-salesmen.
The pickup artists use Neil Strauss’s “The Game”, a book containing a set of rules that allegedly guarantee the user success if they use them to the letter. The Game has attracted controversy, and whilst none of the group would admit to having read it, the book had a bad reputation nonetheless.
The second part was less practical and had no roleplay or discussion. It revolved around Simon quickly recapping The Game, introducing some of the terminology (the neg, the pattern, the approach) and filling the session with anecdotal tales of how The Game had helped him and Ian. Simon defended The Game by describing it as “self help for men”, the pitch being that you “fake it until you make it”. By following the rules of The Game, you can act as if you’re a super confident alpha male until one day you realise that you have made it, that the confidence is no longer an act and you are a super confident alpha male.
I would have had more sympathy for Simon and Ian if I had any sense they were, or had been geeks. They both struck me as very self confident people anyway, helped by the fact they were naturally handsome, with the look of people who know how the gym works.
The interesting comparison for me was the difference in approach. Flirting is all about building the recipient up and making them feel better after the flirt. The pickup serves to subtly challenge the recipient; in some cases ignore and slightly insult them to make them work to come to you. Flirting as a skill is not explicitly about achieving anything apart from the flirt itself. The pickup serves to lure someone in to your web and to get their contact details.
So what did I learn? I learned I am a natural flirt, and a talented one it seems. The things I do intuitively seem on the mark, and I bought into the idea that flirting is a skill that can be used anywhere and in almost any interaction you have with another person. I also found that I also use some aspects of the pickup instinctively. This came as a shock to me but on reflection “The Game” came from somewhere, and that somewhere is human behaviour after all.
Am I now going to read The Game? I admit that yes, I am. I am intrigued by what Style/Neil Strauss has to say. I can’t say I’m eager to go out and start using the techniques; however I want to see what on earth the fuss is about. You can expect a full and frank entry soon once I’ve *cough* obtained a copy.
Will I be going out and being even more of a flirt than I am already? Tell you what, how about we talk about that over drinks, I’ll get the first bottle of wine in…
Photos courtesy of Ian Forrester/@cubicgarden, borrowed under creative commons.
Mm – this article was doing the rounds on face a while ago, I don’t know whether you saw it? http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/04/18/guest-post-detrimental-attitudes-of-the-pickup-artist-community/
… there’s loads of really interesting, mostly critical, conversation going on around The Game – makes me wonder whether I’d find it interesting to read myself at some point.
I am going to grab a download and have a look. I am put off by the amount of negative press it has received, however I feel I ought to read it if only in the name of research.
The limited investigation I’ve performed today points to some worrying attitudes in the pick-up community. I’m holding off forming any firm opinions until I’ve had a chance to research more.
Thanks for the link, I shall read now!
I have to say “The Game” has an extremely bad reputation with me and I haven’t read it. The reputation is thanks to things like — to give an example of a lot of this sort of thing in one place — this (only text, but some language possibly NSF some W). I think you were right to notice that there are ways of making other people feel good about themselves, and ways of making them pursue someone who’s ignoring and insulting them. Forgive me for thinking one of these is pretty obviously better than the other.
Sure, there is something (not very much) to be said for faking it til you make it and having self-confidence, but if that confidence is built on ensuring you are above others by knocking them down and trying to make them do your bidding, I can’t see any way to avoid being an utter nob.
Well, as you noticed I said I’m a natural flirt, not a natural pick up artist.
I much prefer to compliment, and I do admit to teasing, but usually only to give as good as I get if someone teases me. I much prefer to build people up than tear them down. Being poly I’d rather start something I plan to continue with someone rather than pursue a short term thing.
There is something to be said for acting the way you want to be, and as you say there’s no need to be awful to other people as you do it. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you as they say!
the point being that some people *want* you to be a knob.
Its neither an attractive character trait or a preference in a partner but if it gets you laid..
I was chatting about sexuality and geek the other day but in a different context. Chatting with some BDSMing friends I realised they’d been geeking BDSM: not just devising BDSM roleplay scenarios but fleshing them out with truly elaborate backstories and costuming and graphics and incidental props and the like. Always lovely to see the universe turning out the way it should.
Hmm, now you have me thinking about what the critical hit threat rating on a suede flogger is and what dice damage it does! XD
see! tis a mighty use of nerdery!
flirting is usually a good idea; the problem i have with the game oriented approach is that it requires me to do things i have negative interest in
I dont want to go to the gym ( i prefer outdoors), im not interested in designer shirts, fancy bars that serve shit beer, to put people down or to play games.
I think ultimately im more bothered about having a decent social life than dating and sex; im having a good time by myself and any partner needs to fit into that..
The issue is not always that people dont know what to do, but that they simply dont want to do it
Hello! Thanks for the write up, and the compliments, you really are a flirt
The Game can be misused, of course it can – any good salesman will sell you something you didn’t want. The way I look at it is that before the game men really wouldn’t have spent time learning how to be more fashionable, more sociable, more at ease in the company of strangers, to develop new ways of talking and presenting and selling themselves without the promise of more (intimate?) contact with girls. The happy accident of engaging in the game is that people become better at being themselves and learn how to interest and excite others in conversation.
It dresses up some tuition on basic life skills with the promise of sex. Once you’re done acting like a cheeky scamp you might just have the confidence to approach that girl you always see in the queue at the coffee house and fascinate her. And at that point, when it comes to the game, you’ll have won.
Hi Simon,
Thanks for dropping by and having a read of the write up. I did enjoy your session and you did come across as a very genuine person over the course of the evening!
I really had not encountered the game until Ian mentioned it as part of geeks talk sexy, and now every time it’s mentioned it seems to court controversy as a text and as an approach.
I think whilst the game may have some good features on building up self-esteem and self confidence, it also seems to be its own worst enemy in other ways. I’m holding off commenting more as I’ve not actually read the text and feel it’s unfair to criticise something I’m unfamiliar with.
Other approaches do exist, Dale Carnegie’s “How to win friends and influence people” has been around as a seminal text since 1937 for instance. The game is not unique in presenting a way for people (OK, men specifically) to gain confidence and find a way to do the things they may be scared of doing.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the fact that the game (according to you) motivates self improvement via the promise of sex. What then? What happens after you’ve achieved that outcome? Does the game go on to talk about relationships or how to succeed in your chosen career? Sex may be a powerful motivator, but achieving it does not necessarily make you a better person, just one that’s had sex…
I agree that giving someone confidence and tools to take risks and move out of established comfort zones is good, I just hope the game covers considerations and consequences too.
Thanks for dropping by!
I had an interesting time, if not a little unusual for me.
Ironically the book neil strauss wrote about the game is more of a biography of his personal journey. I highly recommend anyone to read it, it does allude to some pickup techniques but by no means is it a how to guide.
The social science behind some of techniques merely replicate what happens in natural selection. The PUA scene is a bit of cult of personalities but has some pretty Interesting techniques which are applicable to more than just picking up girls.
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So I’ve posted my thoughts in full on my own blog, simply because there was so many of them that I felt it was worthy of its own blog entry… http://cubicgarden.com/2011/05/11/flirting-vs-pickup/